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The Wealthy Speak Out

December 1st 2008 12:36

Deep inside all of us lives a little filthy rich industrialist, tyrant or entrepreneur which dreams of bullying and selling people. For over 80% of the population these will remain idle daydreams but the wealthy 20% face lifestyle changes that will seperate them from their communities. Differences in lifestyles can often bred resentment and impotent anger rather than understanding but wealthy individuals are setting out on a PR offensive to change this pattern. The richest member of the Billionaire's Club of Duckburg, "Uncle" Scrooge McDuck, has been central to the campaign as figurehead and leader.

Public perception was targeted early as one area where wealthy individuals felt they were being unfairly treated: "There is only one minority whose entire population, that's 100%, everyone, needs legal protection: Fortune 500 CEOs. CEOs and businessmen live like parolees where every move is dictated by laws and regulations and every moment shadowed by teams of lawyers; wouldn't that make you feel like a criminal? Free association allows them to huddle together and share woes; no-one understands how lonely it can get up there. When it all goes wrong for them they might get parachutes but they fall as individuals."

"If we have cash do we not bleed? You vultures tear us apart because we are few. The People end up getting pulled to and fro by salacious headlines and unfair criticism and then turn on us! Fancy that! I pay your wage but you hate me?! You can't have trust in a relationship like that."

Scrooge McDuck is unique among his peers for never having created a foundation or supporting charities "Peer pressure is painful at the top; charity donations and foundations are a competitive area for the wealthy to dabble in. They all want to donate more, donate most and petty squabbles lead to broken friendships...all because of charity."

"Charity can't run like a business. Charitable organisations are fixated on transformation rather than production; they want to change their lumps of coal in to diamonds but it really is quicker to buy coal, sell it then buy a diamond. Doing it my way produces wealth for many. Charity donations would earn better returns if placed in to scientific research then we could develop a cure or warning system for "no hoper-ness". If we start scientific testing on the homeless they will feel useful; there is no higher good than sacrificing so future generations get every chance at being full-hopers."

"Finding ways to recognise potential and hope was the prime concern of primitive societies and their failures are self-evident. This should serve as a warning; potential can be infinite and hope is always seasonal but they're just words really. In the real world someone needs to pack boxes and clean vomit so finding a way to measure potential is crucial to civilisational success. Once you find a way to put a dollar value on yourself you have hope, potential is when someone is prepared to pay you to do it. The man cleaning a windshield is not a no hoper and with every dollar he earns increases his potential; he buys better equipment and so forth. Active begging always produces a reward because you are now a worker. The days of the village idiot are over; the modern world is not a community of friends, nowadays you have to bring something to the table if you want to survive. Shine shoes, wipe windscreens do anything to develop potential. Once you show potential you/it can be moulded in to anything."

"There are two great unequal distributions in Australian society; wealth and power. The one person, one vote rule is prejudicial against the wealthy. The wealthy will never have power if they remain an ostracised minority. The People outnumber us and they can skew polling data to get what they want all of the time. Maybe health and education are the most important things for average voters but if they cared so much they'd be willing to pay for it."

"My nephews Huey, Dewey and Louie face a disadvantaged upbringing, they do not know their father and their mother dumps them with, my nephew, Donald regularly. I shudder to think what would happen to them without me."

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Australian Flag: Aussie Battler

October 28th 2008 17:27

Flag of Australia

If anyone cared to make Australian stereotypes the Aussie battler would be in the top five. The Aussie battler fights all odds; social, financial, romantic, cricketing but challenges are bested rather than overcome. Woe bedevils the battler but they give in. The Aussie battler is seen in much of Australian culture from politics, tabloid tv and sport and unfortunately the Australian flag. The Australian flag hasn't enjoyed easy days since it was unveiled in 1901.

The Bulletin was fierce labeling it a "bastard flag" after the Commonwealth unveiled the winning design. The official competition had 7 criteria: loyalty to the empire, Federation, history, heraldry, distinctiveness, utility and cost of manufacture. Most believed that a design without the union flag and the southern cross would not be successful. The Australian flag was overlooked or not considered by early leaders, PM Barton was known to prefer the Australian Federation Flag and was the first of many prime ministers to be unconvinced by the design. Seven judges whittled the 32,000 options down to the five entries that evoked the Anti-Transportation League flag from 1849 and the Victorian flag first used in 1854.

Australian Federation Flag

Flag of Victoria

"Too Victorian" shrieked NSW politicians. The slight distinctions between the Australian and Victorian flags brought heavy criticism. Removing the crown and adding the Commonwealth star was not enough for the . The six-pointed star was amended in 1908 to reflect PNG and any future territories but the prejudice against the flag meant it was seldom used. Despite proudly flying from Melbourne's Royal Exhibition Building in 1901 the Australian flag was often ignored in favour of the Union Jack. The Union Flag maintained prominence in most matters flying from forts until 1908 and in 1911 the Union Flag greeted Australia's new warship in Fremantle.

Being uncool seems to be the Australian flag's main crime with many fans of the Australian Federation Flag preferring to fly the Union Flag. In 1903 Richard Crouch from Geelong passed a motion in the House of Representatives demanding the Australian flag fly from post offices and Commonwealth buildings on national occasions. The flag was only to fly if the Union Flag was there.

The First World War would appear like an event that could inspire the use of national flags but the Australian government maintained a strong stance concerning the Australian flag. Flying an Australian flag without the Union Flag was disloyal. The Australian flag was again held to ransom by circumstance as WWI converged with events like the Easter Uprising in 1916 to challenge Australians with recent connections to Germany and Ireland. In 1911 over 33,000 German-born Australians were identified in the census and they were expected to identify themselves at the local police station during the war. The War Precautions act allowed the government to compulsorily acquire wheat and wool harvests to send to England as part of the war effort. Around the war there was much pulling at Australian society and two conscription referendums were narrowly rejected. Persisting with the Union Flag feels like a "line in the sand" call around this issue proving loyalty. Against these issues the Aussie flag had no chance.

It would be short-sighted to conclude the preference for the Union Flag was purely a reflection of deep-seated English loyalties; the Australian flag was used at the 1904 Olympics in St Louis, Missouri in one the early examples of political sacrifice in the name of sport. PMs Barton, Watson and Fisher all objected to the flag's design and the Union Flag was a display of defiance against domestic rumbles as much as a sign of loyalty. The biggest problem was the old fracture in the east-coast politics between Qld/NSW and Vic. This meant most action to promote the Australian flag continued to emerge from Victoria.

Victorian rumblings were deepened as the growing voice of the public called for prominent display of the flag, particularly in schools. The Union Flag's dominance of flagpoles across the nation was creating confusion; who could use the Australian flag, in which colour? Red or Blue? In 1924 is was agreed that the blue Australian flag would be for official Commonwealth use only; after further negotiations it was decided that state governments could use the Australian flag if a state flag was unavailable. Any privately displayed Australian flag had to be red and fly alongside the Union Flag.

The Union Flag remained the national flag and dual flying rights kept people happy but there is something about a blue Australian flag that is just better than red. In 1940 the Victorian government, having received no response from the Federal government, legislated to allow Aussie blue in to schools. Whether successive governments seized on patriotism or a good idea the Australian flag was startin' to win a few with Federal announcements in 1941 and 47 that there was no restriction on Aussie blue.

There were still questions as to whether it was appropriate to fly blue; it might not be restricted but does Jonesy do it? The pressure of an impending Golden Jubilee in 1951 demanded a leader step up and make a decision. Sir Robert Menzies opted for blue and the Australian blue flag was distributed to schools around the country. Menzies was a noted patriot and his promotion of the blue Australian flag was crucial to legislative success.

The Flag Act 1953 is awesome. It comes complete with corrections on the document amending it from no 97 of 1953 to no 1 of 1954. This was because the GG decided to wait for the Queen's arrival in 1954 to allow her to sign. You can imagine them standing around it: "You know...f*ck it. Liz'll be here next year. Let her sign it, she'll get a real kick out of it." "Yep...Nice touch." Flags Act 1953 was made official Sunday February 14th 1954. So 53 years after the national flag was selected it finally became the national flag.

Most tales would end there but true to stereotype the Australian flag still battles on. In 1998 the Flags Act 1953 was amended as a long running quest to entrench the Australian flag ended under the Howard government. Amendments meant the Australian flag could only be changed if a new flag was selected by the voters. This means you can't vote for change and then choose the flag. Appropriate designs must be offered to eligible voters so everyone under voting age has no say. Good idea...Crazy kids.

There is always the fear that if the flag is changed a majority will want a boxing kangaroo on there somewhere. The niggle around the issue of the Australian flag is sure to continue; Paul Keating said "I do not believe that the symbols and the expression of the full sovereignty of Australian nationhood can ever be complete while we have a flag with the flag of another country on the corner of it" and PM John Howard oversaw the aforementioned amendment to the Flags Act. With political power dominated by Australia republic-ans the Australian flag is sure to fight its toughest battle yet.

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Aussie Miscalculations The Cane Toad

October 22nd 2008 18:52

The Australian government is putting the nation's best spinning efforts in to nation building and everyone has an obligation to help. Funnel webs inspire fear, koalas compassion and fuzziness but the cane toad is reviled by all. Everyone acknowledges some big mistakes have been in Australia but a collective effort against the cane toad could be the start of a wider healing process.

In a study by the New Zealand based Invasive Species Specialist Group (ISSG) the cane toad was voted one the '100 Worlds Worst Invasive Species'with rabbits and domestic cats. Heady company considering the toads have only been in Australia since August 1935. Cane beetles were attacking cane fields in northern Queensland. The locals brought in some toads. 101 toads were transported from Hawaii to North Queensland, breeding almost immediately while in captivity. In six months authorities released 60,000 toads. And the war began.

Make the choice: Kill or be killed

Look at the picture, if you want to kill it read on. If not then this battle isn't for you; ask no questions. The cane toad is the fastest moving anuran (tailless stout bodied amphibian) ever; recorded measurements include 264 m a night, 21 800 m in 30 days, expanding its range from Burketown in Qld at 27 km per year. The cane toad's determined push is uneffected by rainfall (dry or wet season) with 'continual colonization of new areas by small, sexually immature toads. If current rates of expansion continue, cane toads will have colonized the 'Top End' of the Northern Territory by the year 2027.'

Sexual maurity will come within two years; at times the two egg cycle can start after six months. Between 8000 and 35,000 eggs can be layed twice a year over four and a half years on average. With no natural predator the percentage of eggs that mature in to toads would be high; the toad is poisonous through out its entire life; from a wee tadpole to grotesque thing. If eaten a poison is released that will cause heart failure; Bufotenine toxin produced by Bufo marinus is used as an aphrodisiac and hair-restorer in Japan. In mainland China it is used to lower the heart rate of patients undergoing cardiac surgery, South American Indians use it on hunting arrows. The toxin is even used as a narcotic by some people, the toad must be stopped. The creature seem blessed with talent for procreation and destruction the convinces one the toad has friends in really high places.

Evolution seems to have helped the toad develop the appearance of a species that has been fighting for existence every minute for millions of years. but the Queensland government maintains the cane toad is "not a declared pest in Queensland so there is no legal requirement to control them." That's cool for a covert op like this it's best the government not be involved. They give the individual discretion over cane toad control. If you see one, for the good of the nation kill it.

What science can't tell you is that your average cane toad can take a hell of a beating. A fork is for veterans but a spade is a good amateur's tool. The spade forming a good shield against the spitting. Moving southwards at 1.3 km per year they have been seen as far south as Lismore; the southern threat recieved a boost from the deliberate introduction of the toad to Byron Bay in 1965. If you decide to lick toads you have to kill the toads. Damn long hairs. As it stands the cane toad threatens to take northern Australia and is beating a path to your door. The cane toad is on the conservation list as least concern. Right next to humans.

Cane toads on their way to hurt you

The cane toad's promiscuous lifestyle keeps it ahead of humans breeding at a rate beyond our abilities. Kill or be killed, like the funnel web said "If the toad could kill you he would."

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Innovating Educashun

September 17th 2008 06:15

Australia has a great history of self-improvement from the Schools of Arts, established as early as 1827 in Hobart, to the modern day TAFE. The early goal of private school to transform colonials into aristocrats has fallen away as roles and goals are reconsidered. (See Elaine Thompson “Fair Enough” (1994) Pp 17-8.) Demands on the education system are evolving as parents and administrators try to compete with a changing world.

Ideas Man

Not content with The Kings School’s rugby success the principal Dr Hawkes has unveiled ideas for education reform. Hawkes’ ideas are informed by his experiences of the gulf between education and life. Too many educational opportunities are missed in the modern world; the death of family pets too often results in the creation of Doggy Heaven, Kitty Valhalla etc which short-circuits the grieving process. I only discovered recently that doggy heaven was a myth, fortunately Santa is bringing me a dog that never dies this year

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Masculine Politique

September 5th 2008 08:41

Paddy Slavin: Bare-knuckled Welterweight

Bare-knuckled Aussie Boxer Paddy Slavin

In Australia sport is political short-hand for masculine and male politicians have developed a parasitical devotion to it. The countless examples of contrived attempts to appeal to Joe Bloggs are evidence of a crisis in the Australian political male; the Wallaby carcasses along John Howard’s road to success are the ultimate proof of pathology. This crisis is directly linked to the absence of legitimate Australian politico-role-models and represents the second biggest threat to the Australian way of life.

Australian political history is thoroughly modern so only a few politico-role-models exist; the more popular role-models Hawke, Menzies, Whitlam all endured politicus interruptus getting cut-off in their prime. More advanced political histories provide more models; America has access to Dick Cheney’s hunters’ bloodlust and heart of the aging warrior; the Ruskies have Putin, formerly of the KGB which nearly says it all; interestingly it was claimed in FHM that Putin can bench 210. For their respective populations it is a relief that both of these MEN have battled nature, gone one on one with her and killed stuff. Australia’s future success depends on the inspiration of political minds, both literally and metaphorically nothing can be left to chance. The first step will be to augment the masculine politique with cultural and business models; we need to “Irwin-ise” politics

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Gutter Ball

August 5th 2008 16:08

America is the great democracy drawing board where frail or developing democracies look for guidance and inspiration. In Australia we’ve already picked progressive-ish but the coming American election will tell us if we made the right choice. Shared values mean shared political misjudgements which will provide the best insight into how the election will unfold.

In order to see clearly one can never ignore the mundane. John “Gutter-Ball” McCain’s recent campaign ad called Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Barack Obama “mere celebrities”. Now I have never seen the ad but I hear it alludes to the, untested, belief that Britney and Paris wouldn’t be able to run a country. These political pot-shots at Britney and Paris are as shameless and exploitive as kissing babies

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A Downer for Cyprus

July 14th 2008 06:18

Alexander Downer, AKA Alexander Downer, starts his United Nations position today. “Alexander Downer” is leaving politics, well meaningful politics anyway, heading for Cyprus as a U.N. Special Envoy.

“Alexander Downer and the U.N.” could be the most inspired romantic comedy in years representing the culmination of a love affair between soul-mates. Both Alexander and the U.N. derive their authority from the past; for the U.N. it is “The League of Nations” and World War II, for Alexander Downer it is his father and grandfather. The Downers Snr were politicians and that name recognition allowed Alexander Downer to rise quickly to the newly created seat of Mayo in 1984. Alexander Downer has also been the beneficiary of redistribution. When 21.3% of the 1990 vote went to a Democrat there was redistribution, in 1998 when Downer held on by 1.7% there was redistribution. The historical record will show that the seat was “invented” in 1984 for a Liberal scion and whenever he looked like getting tossed his seat was secured for him. Anything that relies on dynasty to maintain its position is in trouble; consider the English royals or the Bush family of Texas. Add to this list the Downers of South Australia and Edward Downer is warned: Enter Federal politics and I will have your head on a pike

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Gategate: The Story of D-Unit and Bel

July 7th 2008 20:46

Waiting for celebrity pundits to attach themselves to presidential candidates can create angst. Over the last month this anxiety has been eased by the emergence of John Della Bosca, D-Unit, and Belinda Neal, Bel, the new celebrity power couple of Australia and for Australia. Genuine power couples are rare in Australia; women’s power is historically located in home and hearth rather than parliament and party. So it was inevitable that someone would whisper “…like the Clintons”. It makes sense D-Unit and Bel are politicians, married and both look like they enjoy a cigar buuuuuuuut is that enough basis for comparison?

D-Unit and Bel have a string of misdemeanours but this is their first scandal deemed worthy of the “-Gate” suffix. Adding “-gate” is serious business referring back to the Watergate scandal of the 70s. Watergate was a seedy conspiracy involving political espionage, breaking and entering, corruption, illegal wiretaps. If a political scandal is significantly damaging then “-gate” is added; it must be professionally fit by hack, Iguana-gate, Granny-gate and Painter-gate are notable examples. The Clintons are involved in five separate “-gate” scandals setting a high standard for power couples everywhere. The original Watergate was a conspiracy to maintain power; Iguana-gate was a conspiracy over seating and, therefore, lacks the prestige of a true “-Gate” scandal

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Presenting Liberalbot

July 1st 2008 11:54

The world is changing so fast it’s getting frightening; Spain are Champions of Europe and England are the great underachievers of football. That stable world has gone and democracy could falter next. Democracy’s continued importance can only be assured through technological innovations.

Today’s party leader is faced with the complicated task of locating and developing individual human skills, if capable humans can’t be found the party suffers. If humans are the problem then Liberalbot is the answer

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Standards and Fetishes

June 10th 2008 19:44

In Australian political life it seems that abstractions like good and evil are worthless. Anyone political who’s good or evil has ambitions beyond Australia; there are no evil underachievers. Australia is a small, isolated country so historically stakes were smaller and standards lower. The smaller the politics the grubbier it gets. Local politics are like Tasmanian dog races; very, very dodgy. With global politics entering a new epoch the changed trade, terrorism and environmental conditions bring greater spending power to federal politicians and they need higher standards. If only for themselves...