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The world is changing so fast it’s getting frightening; Spain are Champions of Europe and England are the great underachievers of football. That stable world has gone and democracy could falter next. Democracy’s continued importance can only be assured through technological innovations.

Today’s party leader is faced with the complicated task of locating and developing individual human skills, if capable humans can’t be found the party suffers. If humans are the problem then Liberalbot is the answer!

Liberal engineers have been working alongside programmers to bring you the greatest development in robotics history: “Controversy-Evasion Technology”. The service-oriented architecture of earlier Liberalbots has been replaced by event-driven architecture giving party politics a new face. This design provides Liberalbot with more choices based on a catalogue of events, tested in labs, giving it a unique mental agency: Liberalbot’s “Knee-Jerk Apology” is just one feature that has emerged out of our rigorous testing. Essentially Liberalbot reacts to reaction delivering an apology, resignation or teary confession as circumstances demand.

Liberalbot at testing facility. Courtesy www.smh.com

In today’s political climate physical agency is crucial to success. So you’ll be happy to know that Liberalbot’s physicality has impressed in “Human Behaviour” tests. The key indicator of performance, “Hooman Pressure”, is the patented measure of Liberalbot’s “human” performance. Engineers use this to distinguish between "how [Liberalbot] responds to stress … Obviously … making a speech is a lot more stressful than going for a run.” For Liberalbot a jog is easier to replicate because it is purely mechanical, “Hooman Pressure” is ramped up when Liberalbot replicates reasoning, emotion etc. Liberalbot hums at an average of 112/63, well below the industry standard 120/70, with a low “peak” of 158/117 when delivering a speech.

With so many impressive features you’d be right to think Liberalbot could almost run the country but don’t worry because Liberalbot’s awesome potential is controlled by you, the party leader. Liberalbot is the party member of the future bringing security and sycophancy to any leadership.

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Posted By: Jim Spears - Category: No Category

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Heores of Democracy Series. No 1.

June 27th 2008 13:53

It is important to remember yesterday’s heroes because appreciating history prevents bourgeoisation. If you don’t remember yesterday’s heroes good and evil might as well be abstract concepts.

It’s all about appearance in modern politics it can be the difference between success and failure. Consider Kim Beazley or Morris Iemma’s deflector shield face; no detail just the ancient stare towards the back of the room and beyond time. You’ve just go to maintain the appearance of leadership the rest will naturally follow. Crisis calls for decisive action; insight and reason are sacrificed to keep up appearances. The Great Depression produced the worst domestic economic and political crises because of so many atoms (people) were effected (nationwide unemployment reached 31% in 1932 best in the world) for so long (1929-1939).

One man’s state-centric selfishness nearly tore this great land apart. In the thirties tribal hatred was cool, divisions were clear and voting was identity. The best path to power was via clever affiliation. Enter the huge presence of Jack Lang, 6ft 4ins (193cm) with a powerful voice, silver-tongue with a savage political mind. A mayoral term (of Auburn 1909-11) a State seat for Parramatta in 1920 by June 1924 he was leader of the Labor party by May 1925 he was Premier. And back out by October ’27. Langy was considered a political animal prepared to sink to the lowest to win or appear comfortable. As The Depression started to open up angles for manipulation Langy came forward with “The Lang Plan” which advocated higher spending on public works and suspension of debt repayments to England (as well as doubling payments for a family’s first child – An Aussie policy classic!) In 1930 Langy was Premier of NSW once more.

Jack Lang: NSW Premier 1925-27, 1930-32.

Meanwhile in Melbourne Sir Otto Niemeyer presented the Bank of England’s proposals, the Melbourne Agreement (MA), to State and Federal leaders. The MA established a national economic policy which, crudely, saw dramatic cuts in government spending in order to meet loan repayments, keep export prices low and trade flowing. The conflict between the two plans generated headlines and a Federal-States Economic Conference in February 1931 promised to be an historical showdown. Well it wasn’t as balanced budgets were agreed to, drinks enjoyed and shoes sniffed before everyone went their separate ways brimming with hope.
‘cept for Langy he was burning with ambition

Once Niemeyer was out of the way Langy was able to secure the state party endorsement for his plan. On 1st April the NSW government had a loan payment due, in March Langy stood up and said “Nup.” PM Scullin made the payment on NSW’s behalf but Langy and his supporters got the shove from the Labor party as punishment. Lang Labour and Langites were born creating two Labor parties in Australia. PM Scullin enacted the Financial Agreement Act of 1931 but elections were forced soon after.

All the tribal hatred and close identity sent votes hell, west and crooked because two Labor parties and UAP led by former (successful) Labor treasurer Joe Lyons fragmented the vote. The Scullin government was demolished.

The UAP took over and Lyons said they would “check Lang with the law.” Finally a battle of historical dimensions. Langy was desperate. He withdrew 1,000,000 in cash from two Sydney banks and considered having Governor Game arrested, at one stage the armed forces were alerted, it was going to end but how?

James Scullin: Prime Minister of Australia 1929-32.

By May 1932 NSW was, economically speaking, not part of Australia. Langy was summoned to the Governor and fired over a memo. Bit rough; no counselling session, first warning or anything.

Genuine historical heroes are hard to find in Australia but Scullin was willing to legislate when the going got tough. James "Schooners" Scullin: Hero of Democracy.

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Standards and Fetishes

June 10th 2008 19:44

In Australian political life it seems that abstractions like good and evil are worthless. Anyone political who’s good or evil has ambitions beyond Australia; there are no evil underachievers. Australia is a small, isolated country so historically stakes were smaller and standards lower. The smaller the politics the grubbier it gets. Local politics are like Tasmanian dog races; very, very dodgy. With global politics entering a new epoch the changed trade, terrorism and environmental conditions bring greater spending power to federal politicians and they need higher standards. If only for themselves...

Great tattoo or something more?

Handshake control became part of Australian political mythology after Mark Latham nearly dislocated John Howard’s arm way back in ’04. But the political masculine ideal is not macho or strong but sport is crucial. John Howard’s commitment to politics seemed contingent on his securing great seats for the Wallabies and cricket tests. Kevin Rudd has latched onto football with his World Cup dream. Sport becomes an innocent pawn in the political game.

You’ve gotta have kids because without ‘em you can’t understand Australia. Bob Carr received some stick for not having kids but Julia Gillard would have some stories. The infamous line “deliberately barren” was over the line but it would be naïve to assume Gilla hadn’t faced such slurs before. Her hair is dead-straight and it is impossible to do anything with it, is this not a more appropriate target? Dead-straight hair is annoying to all genders. Because gender stereotypes and expectations are less flexible for politicians the slurs must become gender-neutral if we are going to change anything. And change it we must.

Investigating sexuality and gender in politics means facing the prospect of an elected fetishist. British politics is full of it we just need to determine what types of fetishes are acceptable for those in public office.

Personal experiences tell me that gimps are politically appalling but having a sadist as treasurer generally works. I have no objection to shoe fetishists but Australian parliament isn’t ready for a flasher just yet. Investing Australian political culture with self-control will not happen overnight but great strides are being made everyday.

In this light it would be wrong to say there are no standards; a particular type of political controversy feeds the tabloid beast implying latent standards. Australia has no tradition of the divine right to rule and with no ruling elite in place the Australian politician didn’t rise above the people it emerged from them. That’s right they were originally one of “us” and so Australian politicians are judged by our personal standard…at least whatever it is perceived to be and that should probably change.

P.S. Spain will be European Champions.

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Bloody Conservatives

June 6th 2008 17:00

An example.

I hate global politics, too many foreigners, but since everyone else wants to talk about it I wanna too!! Remember transformation? A black president, rise of China and stagnation of Europe all that stuff? Evil doesn’t transform, Mahmoud Ahmedinejad

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Hatred in Australian Politics

June 4th 2008 14:32

I'm a hater. Part of the tribal-ness of politics is to really dislike the other side with intensity. And the more I see of them the more I hate them. I hate their negativity. I hate their narrowness. I hate the way, for instance, John Howard tries to appeal to suburban values when I know that he hasn't got any real answers to the problems and challenges we face. I hate the phoniness of that.Mark Latham was always saying great stuff like that. Sure it made him seem like an extra from a Liberal anti-union ad but it made you think. For example is it ok to hate so long as it is “correctly” channelled? The answer is Manchester United. Labor’s verbose haters usually rise through unions but Latham started in local politics, had a shot at state politics then entered federal politics.

Famous Tribal Hater: Adolf Hitler

So politically he ends up like Frankenstein’s monster; cobbled together from tribal hatred, which seems narrow but isn’t, and various Third Way concepts. Third Way politics aims for the centre mass where interests overlap. Not too far left, nor too far right. Leaning right Latham outsourced government services at Liverpool council and leaning left he’ll forever be associated with Peter Garrett’s conversion from crazy hippy to serious politician. Third Way politics: Not what you want or need but a lil’ taste of each.

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SPECIAL EXPOSE REPORT ON POLITICAL CORRUPTION

June 2nd 2008 03:27

The Swagman has been known to boil a Billy but now I’m going to boil your blood. What do you trust your politician with? Tax dollars, public services, education, health etc. These public interests are being held ransom as politicians using their ability to fund improvements, create ministries to curry favour with voters at election time. It is more popularly known as “Pork barrelling” and it is designed to sway votes during the crucial points of the electoral process.

Some politicians even stoop to “Pork Barrel” ineligible voters like innocent children. In Saturday’s Herald it was revealed that John Howard’s ham sandwich to provide $500,000 to protect Orang-utans in Borneo was to go unfulfilled. The promise was made to Daniel, 11, who has since established a national fund-raiser for the Orang-utans so their future is secure but his political nous earned a promise with witnesses while bringing the seamy side of politics into view. We’d all agree that some moral tales are for parents but for a lesson in “politik-ing” the Prime Minister is the better tutor. He should have said to Daniel “Of course you realise that all promises are made pursuant to an election win and that I, and my parliamentary colleagues, will not accept any responsibility for it not coming to pass. Thanks for your support champ.” When this duty went neglected Daniel was left with a bureaucratic kiss-off; a harsh lesson learnt too soon

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Peter Costello: King of Chin

May 30th 2008 22:00

If you are going to wade through the depths of political history you know you will meet unsavoury characters. So I bring you: Peter Costello. The Australian political story contains heroes and villains depending on your ideology. If Mundy is the Communist Super Hero then Peter Costello (PC) would be the villain. PC would earn his stripes in industrial disputes as a barrister representing types like the National Farmers Federation against the unions. (The Farmers Fed won) And yet there is something I like about Peter Costello. Is it the light in his eyes when he smirks? Is it his resolute chin? What is a resolute chin? Do they mean resolute in its determination to re-appear in generation after generation? Is it a reference to taking it on the chin? The larger the chin the greater the surface area for “taking it” as it were.

We took 17 faithful years of service from PC; we made him the longest serving treasurer from 1996 until 2007. He surpassed Sir Arthur Fadden who served 8 years from 1949-58. The Captain of Smirk, a slime-bag or bucket etc etc are nicknames that are usually attached to Toffs so PC’s stubborn middle-class-ness is surprising. It means he recognises the new trajectory his life had taken immediately after election defeat: “The time has come for me to open a new chapter in my life. I will be looking to build a career post-politics in the commercial world.” PC is gunna pimp hisself abit. With so many priorities it is hard to imagine where PC will find time for his book, political responsibilities and family. Do we ask too much? Should we cut him free? He has already received the advance for book; the deal is done. We have taken so much already perhaps we have to let him go. If you love something set it free

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Santa and other Communists

May 19th 2008 14:11

Swaggy Sickness. Should Australia have been Communist? Federated in 1901 just before the Russian and well before the Chinese revolutions falling for communism was always unlikely. Australia lacked the historical circumstances it requires. All that class warfare stuff is meaningless in a country “without classes”. Marx said [t]his theory of Communism may be summed up in the single sentence: Abolition of private property." YOU try and sell that to the Australian public. Property ownership unites Australians across time from the convicts yearning to be “freed men” to the Hills Hoist generation up to recent boom.

Santa Claus: Benevolent gift giver or Commie mind raper?

Communism is red, bearded and distributes resources equally. A lot like Santa Claus. Claus has a red coat and that beast of his with its blinking red nose. He also has a beard and distributes resources equally. There is no need to widen the analysis to include Santa’s morals or his infamous List

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Emptying my swag (LINK)

May 8th 2008 14:36

I’ve been swag dragging the last few days watching Troy Buswell. You know some crazy things happen in WA, cops allegedly film sex and Brian Burke always lurks. Bussa’s situation comes about because he is man of his times and his place.

Chair sniffing is as close as this swaggy can get sometimes so I appreciate desperation. A rover’s free life provides strange temptations but there are things a man can do in the bush, alone with a rock or tree which he can’t do in the office. Simple rules: chair, office, nose bad while chair, home, nose is fine

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Introducing the Swagman

April 30th 2008 23:58

Out of the deepest scrub comes: THE SWAGMAN

Late at night on the 24th November 2007 it was boldly announced that Australia had experienced a political transformation. The government had changed and the media were in raptures over the implications. The media's myopia and ignorance make them unworthy protectors of the public good and so an ordinary man took it upon himself to protect, analyse and inform...He is The Swagman.

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July 2008

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June 2008

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May 2008

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